OMG

omg, omg, omg, omg...
I am so happy that I can still feel this.
I can still get excited like this.
I know it's just the excitement of meeting someone and the possibilities.
But you don't know how dead inside I have felt for so long.
To know that there is someone out there on the same level, at the same point in their life and that interaction with this person might and probably will be healthy.
OMG, I have to just let it flow.

Just Quotes

"Bigame is having one wife/husband too many, Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.
- Gian Vincenzo Gravina
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
- Ogden Nash
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
- Mark Twain
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
- Douglas Adams
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
- Dave Barry
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
- John Mason Brown
I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.
- Galileo Galilei
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Ambrose Bierce
Never tell anyone that you're: writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death.
- Lynn Johnston
If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors.
- Jadelr and Cristina Cordova
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
- Margaret Millar
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss
mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind.
- John Stuart Mill
The cure for writer's cramp is writer's block.
- Inigo DeLeon
Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
- Leo Rosten
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
- Ralph W. Sockman
The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.
- Fyodor Dostoevsky
I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'ma giraffe.
- Richard Gere
People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness.
- Heather Armstrong
There are no such things as applied sciences, only applications of science.
- Louis Pasteur
A joke's a very serious thing.
- Charles Churchill
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
- HP Lovecraft
In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
- Andy Warhol
The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.
- Stephen Jay Gould
It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
- Jerome K. Jerome
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.
- Walter Lippmann
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
- Oscar Wilde
Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.
- Thomas Berger
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
- Mark Twain
The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
- J. Jacques
"I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street."
- Virginia Woolf
"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better."
- Anonymous
"Art is making something out of nothing and selling it."
- Frank Zappa
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
- Robert Benchley

A cold day in hell

http://www.babyonhold.com/

Straight on till morning

Looks like my new career is going to take off soon
My acting coach is also very incouraging
She said I should be directing and teaching
I have decided that I am headed in the right direction
I just have to stay the course, focus
Everything else is going on the back burner
It's going to take me a month to get started
I just want to work and make a little money
At this point in my life I don't want any job
I want to do something I enjoy

Why am I not surprised

Homeland Security official caught in child porn sting
http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2006-04-04-homeland-official-arrest_x.htm

Blonde joke

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

My Blog

I have removed my blog for a while, for reasons I find hard to explain
Sometimes privacy and anonymity are what I need and desire
So once in a while I do this to give me a sense of not being exposed
The posts and comments are still here, they just aren't in public view
When the time is right, I am sure they will return
People that care for me will understand and not judge
It's just something that I feel I have to do for now

Reflection

So it seems that when I am down I turn this blog into a therapist
I can't seem to write creatively or what I want to anyway
So my blog suffers, but I think it is doing me some good
I hope so anyway, only time will tell and it's not talking

Space Travel

Hey space travel, right out of my backyard !!!
How kool is that, Yeah !

Law and Order

NICOSIA - A raunchy picture of a Cypriot teacher in a state of undress was surreptitiously downloaded from her mobile telephone and sent to hundreds of pupils.
The picture made the rounds at the school in the port town of Limassol on the Mediterranean island Tuesday after the teacher left her phone unattended by her desk.
But the prank was not appreciated by parents or teachers, and police have launched an investigation into the incident.
"The police have been summoned, there is a patrol car at the school and the crime department are here to take fingerprints off the mobile phone," the head of the parents' association said.

BERLIN - A 19-year-old German girl has sued her mother for confiscating her two guinea pigs, a dog and a litter of puppies and giving them to an animal home, authorities said Wednesday.
The girl had taken to locking the creatures in her room after the recent birth of the puppies angered the mother, but she returned at the weekend to find them gone, according to police in the western city of Aachen.
The mother, 45, signed an agreement with the home stipulating that the pets could not be given back, they added. "The police is both investigating and mediating," said police spokesman Paul Kemen.

Grab one

I got nothing; it all goes by so fast
Tried to get a few thoughts to slow down enough to land here
However, nothing is sticking; too many, too quick
Good stuff, positive and bright, but all to elusive

Strength (In progress)

In the darkness, she searched for the missing link in her life, feeling her way through a long, dark, black hallway. She stopped when she found the blade and spilled her blood. She knew it was there, but had somehow blanked it out. As her blood dripped on the rug, it all came back and her tears began to dilute the red stain that was forming at her feet. The darkness was overwhelming. She needed to see. She was trembling and bleeding in the dark. There was nothing she could do but go forward… into the unknown. She realized that she was more aware then any other moment in her life and the thought was exhilarating. All sounds, all smells and the stickiness of her blood on the rug now permanently etched into her psyche. No one and nothing could remove it and this gave her the strength to go on. Wiggling her toes in the damp warmth of her blood gave her courage. She let her hand bleed freely, and every splatter she felt against her foot added to her conviction. No man was going to kill her; no male human being on the planet was every going to hurt her again. The next moment might be her last, but she was no longer afraid to proceed. She came into herself and her tormenter had helped her get here. Admiration and love is what she felt for him now, she knew that this is what he wanted for her. He wanted her to succeed, to live and become whole. He was willing to die for it, for her. She franticly ripped her skirt with her good hand and wrapped her hard using her mouth. The pain intertwined with her heartbeat pounding loudly in her ears as her adrenaline rose. Putting the knife in her injured hand, she gripped it tightly against the slice and the flow of blood slowed. She had cut herself good and deep, but it only sharpened her resolve and put her into survival mode. The hallway became more real as her eyes adjusted and she moved forward. It seem endless to her now and that odd odor from before, now had her in its homicidal grip. She wanted to scream to break the silence, to break the tension, take a moment and breathe. Silence screamed at her instead, as she listened to every corner of that unfamiliar house. Regrettably, it had come down to him or her, and turning back had not been an option for years. It had ceased to be an option a long time ago, when they had first turned that fateful corner together. She still loved him dearly and never wanted to live without him, now she would have to learn how to. Every step she took heightened her senses as she moved slowly down that long dark hallway.

Manic Attack

Considering all factors
No surprise

Bound to sensation
Pain and the abyss

On the long, lost edge
Lingering
Emotions

Racing imagined scenarios
tracking mistakes
Pitfalls
all angles

Taking notes
Blocking scenes
checking on props
my face

Hallow echoes
Empty space
Gathering history
Ghosts
Other times

Actors
Musicians
Shaman with questions

No answers
Clues and quandaries

Innocence
Pure
Timed

A frightening return
the unknown
Fresh
New
Endearing

Dull

Anonymity

I wanted to write, so I got on line and came to my post
I started writing and realized that I didn't want to share
The things I was saying I did not want anyone to see
I know the two subjects that I wanted to write about
I just did not want anyone to read what I had to get out
So now, I am going to bring out the notebook and write
Put it down for myself and no one else, like I used to
Funny how the blog that got me writing again was all the sudden
The last place I wanted my words to be, I wanted to be alone
My privacy is more important then my need to communicate
Maybe in the future after I have digested the subjects
I will be able to share, but for now, there is no other way

A Little Peace

Sleep eludes me again
Drives me nuts
I let things bother me
Things I could've done
Should've done
How to get from point A to point B
The brain won't stop thinking
I try to meditate, remove all thought
Sometimes I succeed, most times I don't
I want things to happen now
Don't like waiting
There is so much I need to do
Can't get it done without sleep
I hate it
There has to be a solution

Life slowed down

I haven't been writing much, just not feeling it
I've been busy organizing my life and trying to live like a human
Got a good amount done and my living space is coming together
It got cold so the heater had to be turned on
I caught a cold as a result and also caught the blues
We got some snow and I have been down for 2 days now
I figure I'll feel better tomorrow

Damaged beyond repair

I recently realized that I am way too damaged
It is impossible to repair all the devastation
If I were a wreaked vehicle, I'd be totaled
If I were a disease, I would be terminal
The prognosis doesn't give me much time
A month, maybe two, then it will be over
No more pain and suffering, only peace
Take heart that now I am finally free
I walk with all who have gone before
Never could find my place, my nitch
Maybe this is my place, my destiny

Me

There is a small point inside of me that seems to be where all things come
It is so small that I wonder how so much can come out of it
All of me and everything I know is contained within this little spot

Like Merlin's bag, you can put anything inside no matter how big
It contains the universe and there is still room for more
It is where I draw my strength and where I put my tears

How can it do all this and still remain so small, almost unperceivable
How does it hold all my dreams and fears and not get bigger
How does it do its little magic act and how did it get there to begin with

Passage

Like a sharp, short point of light, it hit me
So precise and clean, right through the heart
The pain was like wine, intoxicating and mind bending
I never felt so confident, content and secure
The power running through me is immeasurable
Intense, incredible and beyond anything I've known
Uncompromising and indelible, it demands my attention
I know where i'm going and how to get there
Who I am, who I've been and who I will be
I have lived a long, full life, now it will be complete

Quote

Compassion is...
A spirituality and a way of living and walking through life.
It is the way we treat all there is in life-
Ourselves, our bodies, our imaginations and dreams,
Our neighbors, our enemies...
Compassion is a spirituality as if creation mattered.
It is treating all creation as holy and as divine...
Which is what it is.

-Matthew Fox

Missing him

Yesterday was my dad's birthday
He died a month before turning 60
It made me realize how short life is
How cruel and unfair it can be
There are no guarantees
July 14th has become a day of reflection
I tried not to be sad or negative
I made some decisions about my life
Time is too precious to waste
I have to start using it wisely
Wish I had more time with him
He was a big hearted kind man
I was so lucky to have him

Goodbye Love

It is sad that you have to let friends go
But after a while you realize that it isn't healthy
To continue in a relationship that is detrimental
I try to be a good person and treat people right
When giving and helping becomes one-sided
You eventually reach a point where you feel used
I have reached this point recently
There are people in my life I have to cut
I don't like it, but they leave me no choice
Oh well, it's not like I didn't try
I wish only happiness and joy, good luck

Longing

My heart still beats, I can't will it to stop
Death doesn't come just because you want it to
Yet I feel such amazing pain, so much dispair
I want to visit death, I need to be done
I no longer trust and I no longer dream
Life no longer attracts or intrests me
I am ready for the final breath, the last thought
I want it all to end and I don't want to wake
I am tired and I need to sleep

ARGH!!!

I'm upset, pissed and confused
I can't even relate the emotions that are running through me
I'm helpless and I have begun to hate
I didn't even get to spend any time
I feel rejected and ignored
These are my feelings
I can't help it, I want and need more
There is nothing I can do or say
No way to change what is happening
It is just the way it is and what I have to deal with
Why do I try and think it's important
It only seems to be important to me

So tired

I have grown tired of one sided relationships
People that are in touch only when they want something
If they want your help or if you have something they want
They are in touch with you, if not you don't hear from them
It doesn't bother me to help someone in need
I have been very blessed in my life and have more then I need
What bothers me is when I need help these people are not around
They are too busy or have excuses for the chunk of time I require
I am not going to waste my time anymore with these people
I am going to hang on to my old friends that have been there
And stop associating with the people that are like this

Fighting the good fight

Sometimes I just get tired and fed up with my ideals
I feel like it is all for not and I am not making a difference
I try to be good, positive, helpful and well... righteous
For lack of a better word and on a regular basis I am discouraged
People really don't see me; they judge me and label me
They gauge me by what they have known, they categorize me
I never have a chance to be known by my own merit
I don't think anyone has ever known the real me
I sometimes think I am a Karma wash for others
It isn't something I like or dislike, but it is frustrating
On a regular basis I hit a point were I don't feel I have anything left
I feel like I can't keep going and that I am not doing any good
But somehow I always recharge and continue down this lonely path
No matter how many times it gets stepped on I put my best foot forward
My hold on to my high ideals and my belief in the good side of human kind
Don't ever think that I will give up, I want to, but I can't
All the world's a stage and my role is such, I yam what I yam
The show must go on so break a leg and take a bow
I will never miss a curtain call and someday I will hear applause
The only part that bothers me is that it seems to be a solo journey
But even if I die alone I will know that I had a positive effect
I know that the world is a better place and that is my reward

Called Away

Moving on with my life
Letting go of feelings
Hopes and dreams and her
How can I continue to carry the torch?
When she won't be here to feed the flame
I have to move on, let go
For my own health and well being
So I am free to accept someone else
My head has resolved this
But my heart is still unconvinced
She has never given me anything concrete
A maybe, a could be and a list
I can't hang my hopes on the top of a list
I love you doesn't say I'm in love with you
Although my first impression, my instincts
And my feelings have never changed
YOUR SOULMATE they scream, I still listen
But only time will tell if they are right
I try to hold on to this love at first sight
I would love to believe that we will be together
Build a life, have children and travel the world
Circumstances have conspired against us though
If she had said I am in love with you
I could hold on to this dream, run with it
But this has not occurred and it won't
So for my own sanity, my own peace
I have to let go and trust in life
She knows I love her, that I am in love
That is the best I can do for now

The Dance (in progress)

She works her way across the room like a snake
Hanging on limbs and clinging to solid objects
With a sharp tongue, she senses her way, smelling its taste
This lizard movement, this chameleon dance is so fluent that
She Blends and melts into the room, taking on its rhythm, its mood
She swallows it whole and feeds off the energy
I watch in awe spellbound by her talent, her art
It is so beautiful and graceful that I can't turn away
I smile to myself and wonder if anyone else is aware
But no one in the room is watching her debut
They are all involved in their own little worlds
So wrapped up that this show has no audience
Except for me and I am still paying for my ticket

Lately Happy

Worlds apart, clear, clean, precise lines, finite and foreign
Pristine, uninterrupted thoughts, solid images and real content
No questions, or doubts, no room, only wide open space and full views
Abundance, opulence, untainted abandon, full steam, top speed
Course plotted, locked and loaded, no deposit, no return
Pure, whole, complete, right, perfect and limitless
Undeniably happy lately, lately happy
My love, I love, kiss me, let go
No wants, no needs
Imagine

Not saying anymore

I am going to stop saying I'm sorry, unless I do something wrong.
I also have to be truly sorry that I did what I did.
If somebody states that they had a bad day or they aren't feeling well.
I am going to figure out something else to say.
I may feel for them and wish they had a better day or felt better.
But I am going to stop taking on the responsibility of their misfortune.
If they can't see the bright side or figure out how to make the best of things.
So be it, I refuse to continue trying to open peoples eyes.
I am going to become less accountable for other peoples emotions.
My emotions are all I am supposed to be accountable for.
I have no trouble admitting when I am wrong.
The only thing I have to become more aware of is my faults.
Acknowledging my faults and working on them is a good start.
One of my faults is saying I'm sorry when I had nothing to do with it.
I'm not going to go into where this came from, I am aware of that.
It isn't important anyway, it is important that I stop though.
I don't need to be taking on everyone else’s short-comings.
I do this when I say I'm sorry and it isn't doing anything for me.
From now on, when I feel those words start to come out of my mouth,
I am going to stop and find something else to say, or not say anything.

Loving Life

I have fallen in love with life
My heart pounds inside my chest
With every new day I greet
I get butterflies inside my stomach
And I catch myself smiling with pride
The calm, confidence and joy
Are almost overwhelming
I don't care what people think
It's the most wonderful feeling
Learning to enjoy every minute
Everyday an adventure
My life is precious. amazing
I have been blessed
Touched by god
Set free
At peace with myself
My suffering is over
Now is my time

Shine On

From dust and ashes I emerge
the fire is still consuming; the jealousy, prejudice, envy and greed
the preconceived lies I've been taught
I need nothing beside me to sustain me
My essence is intact
I managed to cling to my soul
The wise little child that knew all along
and carried my trust, my being
wide eyed and curious, full of life
I am this child, this hope
the dust still falls as I continue to shed
I am being reborn unto myself
Becoming what I have always been
A guide, a shaman, at peace with myself
the pain the tears and the fear have all been treasured
I am becoming me and I reflect in the light
No longer frightened, no longer weak, I am more then I imagine
both sides are now clear, the balance is here
the light and the power still grow
Blinding my eyes so they might see the truth
Breaking the outer shell that once was me
I am the same at my core, the crucial parts remain
The evil is dying away and there will be no wake
You do not mourn the passing of deceit
The walls have begun to collapse, no longer needed for shelter
I have no desire to hide
There are no weapons designed that can harm me
As I am now
Say what you will, there are no words that can take this away or diminish me
I am and I will always be
my body is just a faint vehicle
It gets me there
I am beyond humanity, I am free
Once more
I am me

Setting myself up

Sometimes life hands you things you aren't prepared to deal with
It can take years for somethings to sink in and take hold
I seem to have had my share of these suprises
Facing my surprises has been hard, but I am ready
I have the unfortunate knack of only seeing the good in people
When the real person comes to light I am ussually disappointed
This happens to me a lot and I need to remove my blinders
I set myself up to be hurt and used
I used to think they don't mean to be like that
But I am beginning to think that they do
I keep thinking that people will be compassionate
Most people are after their own personal gain
People aren't like me and I have to remember that
They are greedy, self-absorbed and cold
Relationships tend to be one-sided
When they are finished getting what they want
You are ussually discarded and ignored
I was never important to these people
I have learned my lesson and will walk away
Maybe someday I will meet someone that isn't like this
I seriously doubt that they are out there
There is more disappointment in my future
I can't hold people up to my standards
They just don’t measure up

A Calm Peace

We see what we want to see
It’s not always what's really there
A kind soul visited me today
I hadn't seen this person for years
We picked up right where we left off
It was nice to know that someone cares
That a friend would take the time
We laughed a lot and talked
To know that I am important to someone
That someone sees me
That I had a positive affect on a life
It gave me a good feeling inside
Now there is a calm spot within
There is a peace that came over me
I know I am on the right path

My daughter

I saw my daughter off the her junior prom last night
It was nice and I got to talk with her mom
I don't get to spend much time with that side of the family
My daughter was beautiful in her pink dress
Pink and purple are her favorite colors
Her date arrived in a soot suit, very dapper
He is a lot nicer and more polite then the last one
Pictures were taken and she asked for one with me
I realized that the picture with me is going to be unique
We held each other and we stood cheek to cheek
The other pictures didn't have that kind of closeness
I found that to be interesting
We have truly adopted each other
We are so lucky to have someone in our lives that fills the void
She is really my niece, but my brother committed suicide
She is now my daughter and I am her dad
I have always been honest with her
She deserves the truth and we have talked about her dad
I am glad I can be there for her

Who is this guy?

The panic attacks have returned but
It's better then being a person I don't know
Anti-depressants are not the answer
I was someone I didn't know when I was on them
So I have to figure out why I am having these attacks

I woke up from a dream about my brother
That is the worst attack I remember
I think I have to deal with the grief from that
My divorce at the same time as my brothers’ suicide
Didn't allow me the time I needed to deal with it
I now have to face my loss
The anger and everything that comes along with it

I miss him and I am so mad at him
Every time I think about it the tears start
It hurts, but I want to get over it
I have problems from the divorce but
I think my main issue is my brother
I don't have dreams about the ex-wife
But I do about my brother
He is always trying to tell me something
I don't know if he really is trying to communicate
Or if my subconscious is trying to tell me something

I have to get through this
I have never had panic attacks before
Depression has never ruled my life either
I need to move on and let go of these demons
I want to start enjoying my life again
And let other people in again
People don't even know the real me at this point

I have at least started writing again and this helps
I'm tired of burdening my friends
Although most of them are good about it
It isn't fair that they have to deal with any of this
I have now backed away and closed myself off
This is also unfair to the people that care
They don't understand why I have become so distant
I hope they understand that I need this time
I know the ones that really care will