Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Not saying anymore

I am going to stop saying I'm sorry, unless I do something wrong.
I also have to be truly sorry that I did what I did.
If somebody states that they had a bad day or they aren't feeling well.
I am going to figure out something else to say.
I may feel for them and wish they had a better day or felt better.
But I am going to stop taking on the responsibility of their misfortune.
If they can't see the bright side or figure out how to make the best of things.
So be it, I refuse to continue trying to open peoples eyes.
I am going to become less accountable for other peoples emotions.
My emotions are all I am supposed to be accountable for.
I have no trouble admitting when I am wrong.
The only thing I have to become more aware of is my faults.
Acknowledging my faults and working on them is a good start.
One of my faults is saying I'm sorry when I had nothing to do with it.
I'm not going to go into where this came from, I am aware of that.
It isn't important anyway, it is important that I stop though.
I don't need to be taking on everyone else’s short-comings.
I do this when I say I'm sorry and it isn't doing anything for me.
From now on, when I feel those words start to come out of my mouth,
I am going to stop and find something else to say, or not say anything.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Loving Life

I have fallen in love with life
My heart pounds inside my chest
With every new day I greet
I get butterflies inside my stomach
And I catch myself smiling with pride
The calm, confidence and joy
Are almost overwhelming
I don't care what people think
It's the most wonderful feeling
Learning to enjoy every minute
Everyday an adventure
My life is precious. amazing
I have been blessed
Touched by god
Set free
At peace with myself
My suffering is over
Now is my time

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Shine On

From dust and ashes I emerge
the fire is still consuming; the jealousy, prejudice, envy and greed
the preconceived lies I've been taught
I need nothing beside me to sustain me
My essence is intact
I managed to cling to my soul
The wise little child that knew all along
and carried my trust, my being
wide eyed and curious, full of life
I am this child, this hope
the dust still falls as I continue to shed
I am being reborn unto myself
Becoming what I have always been
A guide, a shaman, at peace with myself
the pain the tears and the fear have all been treasured
I am becoming me and I reflect in the light
No longer frightened, no longer weak, I am more then I imagine
both sides are now clear, the balance is here
the light and the power still grow
Blinding my eyes so they might see the truth
Breaking the outer shell that once was me
I am the same at my core, the crucial parts remain
The evil is dying away and there will be no wake
You do not mourn the passing of deceit
The walls have begun to collapse, no longer needed for shelter
I have no desire to hide
There are no weapons designed that can harm me
As I am now
Say what you will, there are no words that can take this away or diminish me
I am and I will always be
my body is just a faint vehicle
It gets me there
I am beyond humanity, I am free
Once more
I am me

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Setting myself up

Sometimes life hands you things you aren't prepared to deal with
It can take years for somethings to sink in and take hold
I seem to have had my share of these suprises
Facing my surprises has been hard, but I am ready
I have the unfortunate knack of only seeing the good in people
When the real person comes to light I am ussually disappointed
This happens to me a lot and I need to remove my blinders
I set myself up to be hurt and used
I used to think they don't mean to be like that
But I am beginning to think that they do
I keep thinking that people will be compassionate
Most people are after their own personal gain
People aren't like me and I have to remember that
They are greedy, self-absorbed and cold
Relationships tend to be one-sided
When they are finished getting what they want
You are ussually discarded and ignored
I was never important to these people
I have learned my lesson and will walk away
Maybe someday I will meet someone that isn't like this
I seriously doubt that they are out there
There is more disappointment in my future
I can't hold people up to my standards
They just don’t measure up

Monday, May 16, 2005

A Calm Peace

We see what we want to see
It’s not always what's really there
A kind soul visited me today
I hadn't seen this person for years
We picked up right where we left off
It was nice to know that someone cares
That a friend would take the time
We laughed a lot and talked
To know that I am important to someone
That someone sees me
That I had a positive affect on a life
It gave me a good feeling inside
Now there is a calm spot within
There is a peace that came over me
I know I am on the right path

Sunday, May 15, 2005

My daughter

I saw my daughter off the her junior prom last night
It was nice and I got to talk with her mom
I don't get to spend much time with that side of the family
My daughter was beautiful in her pink dress
Pink and purple are her favorite colors
Her date arrived in a soot suit, very dapper
He is a lot nicer and more polite then the last one
Pictures were taken and she asked for one with me
I realized that the picture with me is going to be unique
We held each other and we stood cheek to cheek
The other pictures didn't have that kind of closeness
I found that to be interesting
We have truly adopted each other
We are so lucky to have someone in our lives that fills the void
She is really my niece, but my brother committed suicide
She is now my daughter and I am her dad
I have always been honest with her
She deserves the truth and we have talked about her dad
I am glad I can be there for her

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Who is this guy?

The panic attacks have returned but
It's better then being a person I don't know
Anti-depressants are not the answer
I was someone I didn't know when I was on them
So I have to figure out why I am having these attacks

I woke up from a dream about my brother
That is the worst attack I remember
I think I have to deal with the grief from that
My divorce at the same time as my brothers’ suicide
Didn't allow me the time I needed to deal with it
I now have to face my loss
The anger and everything that comes along with it

I miss him and I am so mad at him
Every time I think about it the tears start
It hurts, but I want to get over it
I have problems from the divorce but
I think my main issue is my brother
I don't have dreams about the ex-wife
But I do about my brother
He is always trying to tell me something
I don't know if he really is trying to communicate
Or if my subconscious is trying to tell me something

I have to get through this
I have never had panic attacks before
Depression has never ruled my life either
I need to move on and let go of these demons
I want to start enjoying my life again
And let other people in again
People don't even know the real me at this point

I have at least started writing again and this helps
I'm tired of burdening my friends
Although most of them are good about it
It isn't fair that they have to deal with any of this
I have now backed away and closed myself off
This is also unfair to the people that care
They don't understand why I have become so distant
I hope they understand that I need this time
I know the ones that really care will