Who is this guy?

The panic attacks have returned but
It's better then being a person I don't know
Anti-depressants are not the answer
I was someone I didn't know when I was on them
So I have to figure out why I am having these attacks

I woke up from a dream about my brother
That is the worst attack I remember
I think I have to deal with the grief from that
My divorce at the same time as my brothers’ suicide
Didn't allow me the time I needed to deal with it
I now have to face my loss
The anger and everything that comes along with it

I miss him and I am so mad at him
Every time I think about it the tears start
It hurts, but I want to get over it
I have problems from the divorce but
I think my main issue is my brother
I don't have dreams about the ex-wife
But I do about my brother
He is always trying to tell me something
I don't know if he really is trying to communicate
Or if my subconscious is trying to tell me something

I have to get through this
I have never had panic attacks before
Depression has never ruled my life either
I need to move on and let go of these demons
I want to start enjoying my life again
And let other people in again
People don't even know the real me at this point

I have at least started writing again and this helps
I'm tired of burdening my friends
Although most of them are good about it
It isn't fair that they have to deal with any of this
I have now backed away and closed myself off
This is also unfair to the people that care
They don't understand why I have become so distant
I hope they understand that I need this time
I know the ones that really care will